Study Finds Best Marker Of Desirability Still Wet Finger Making Sizzle Sound When Touched To Leg

BALTIMORE—Confirming the indicator remains a constant across the diverse range of human sexuality, a new study released Thursday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best marker of desirability was still a wet finger making a sizzle sound when touched to a person’s leg. “This new data reinforces prior findings that directly correlate sex appeal with licking one’s finger and then slowly applying that dampened finger to one’s haunches with a ‘tsssss,’” said lead researcher Dr. Ariana Johnston, noting that rankings of desirability increased almost tenfold in cases where a small puff of steam emanated from the point of contact, in addition to the hissing sound. “We were quite surprised to find that physical appearance played almost no part in whom our subjects desired. If a conventionally attractive person stood perfectly still, they were consistently ranked less desirable than a conventionally unattractive person who acted as if their steamy thigh had been so hot to the touch that they had burned their hand on it. Several subjects even had to be physically restrained from approaching a person who yelled, ‘Ayeeeee,’ and pretended to cool down their singed finger by slowly sticking the digit into their mouth.” Johnson added that the data still needed to be tested against yelling “Yoo-hoo” while waving a silk handkerchief.