A closer look at the nation’s 50 worst states
The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how the coronavirus response is being mismanaged, botched, and fucked up at the state-level.
Alabama
Uh, has anyone heard from Alabama, lately?
Alaska
Preventing people from dying alone 5,000 miles away from anyone who loves them would defeat the entire purpose of Alaska.
Residents advised against pulling down their mask to say, “Hey, there’s a moose” every time they see a moose.
Visitors must quarantine for 14 days in the Alaskan wilderness with nothing but a pocket knife and a frying pan.
Arizona
Tumbleweeds must quarantine for 14 days after rolling in from out of state.
Border officials urge imprisoned migrants to take turns having 6 feet of space from rest of group.
All circling buzzards should wait two weeks before picking clean bones of carrion.
Arkansas
Officials urge residents to continue segregating 6 feet apart.
Crowds clamoring outside Clinton Presidential Center repeatedly dispersed.
California
Similar to New York’s but with some unique quirks of its own.
State officials are confident skyrocketing rents will soon force the coronavirus to move back to the Midwest.
Illegal for any journalist to gather indoors in restaurants where more than 6 state officials are dining.
Colorado
Few restrictions, as coronavirus easily winded at such high altitude.
Preventing crowds by only allowing 85 new breweries to open each day.
One resident per gorgeous snowy peak.
Connecticut
Residents advised to shelter-in-place at one of their estates.
All of state’s 3.5 million residents to be sent to boarding school in Switzerland to wait it out.
Strictly no white masks or facial coverings after Labor Day.
Delaware
All corporations are urged to stay within their own tax haven.
Just a pea-sized amount of hand sanitizer in middle of state should do it.
Statewide mask mandate has been in place for decades to protect residents from the downwind fumes of New Jersey.
Florida
Mandatory $500 fine for anyone caught trying to figure out state’s actual death toll numbers.
Color-coded classification system sets out regulations from green (none) to red (also none).
All drinks must be protected from germs with little umbrella.
Georgia
Any new strains of Covid-19 must be introduced at debutante ball before infecting local residents.
CDC has urged Georgians to stop pressing their noses up against their headquarters ’ windows to take a gander.
Officials have strongly discouraged residents from participating in dangerous group activities such as voting.
Hawaii
Leis must tossed onto friends from distance of six feet or more.
At least try to pretend you care about not infecting the minimum-wage hotel staff.
Idaho
Maximum snowmobile occupancy limited to 2.
Statewide ban on dunking head in water and emerging with fish between teeth.
Illinois
Chicago hospitals treating patients in order of when they called dibs on open beds.
Italian beef troughs must be sanitized between each use.
Shelter-in-place mandatory for all residents unable to grease a few palms.
Indiana
Anyone passing through Indiana is, as always, just advised to keep on driving until they get to another state.
Officials have shut down all rusty basketball hoops nailed to the old barn door.
Iowa
All corn required to self-shuck until further notice.
Residents welcome to wear a mask but will be required to remove it if asked by a store owner or another customer.
All food must be taken to-go, on a stick.
Kansas
Officials strongly advise against cremating the deceased in the same pits as briskets.
Kentucky
Maximum limit of 25 people per pick up truck bed.
People who suspect they’ve been infected must quarantine in oak barrel for 14 days.
Louisiana
Same rules as all the other states but cajun-style.
Residents urged to blow trumpets into sleeve.
Preventing the spread of the pathogen by only allowing outdoor puking.
Maine
All children required to attend remote learning except for a gang of misfits banding together to destroy an ancient evil.
Acadia National Park ordered to keep on lookin’ gorgeous.
Residents urged to remain isolated in their remote, mist-strewn lighthouses.
Maryland
Residents encouraged to carry around plenty of hand sanitizer to disinfect their stab wounds.
Grocery stores limiting purchases of Old Bay Seasoning to 12 per household.
Residents instructed to shelter at home until virus gets bored and leaves for another state.
Massachusetts
All drunken bar fights must spill out onto the streets by 10 p.m.
Hundreds of Dunkin’s cited for not being 6 feet away from next closest Dunkin’.
Michigan
Vacant lots may host no more than 2 concurrent trash fires.
Despite massive public outcry, the Sindecuse Museum of Dentistry will continue to have limited hours until further notice.
Violent extremists limited to attempting only 1 government overthrow per month.
Minnesota
Gatherings of more than 10 people indoors punished with a strong disapproving frown.
The governor has temporarily banned the sale of bat meat for use in hot dish.
Indoor fitness remains suspended since 1858.
Mississippi
Residents urged to keep at least two “S”s between them at all times.
Workers unemployed due to the pandemic encouraged to wrestle up some catfish from the creek if they’re so hungry.
Occupancy for rafts floating down the Mississippi limited at 2.
Missouri
With masks required, cigarette-smoking residents are advised to switch to chaw.
Officials urge residents to brush up on difference between coronavirus and meth overdose symptoms.
Indoor mask restrictions widened to include shanties, shacks, sheds, and shitters.
Montana
Strongly urging residents to keep town populations under 50 people.
All mountain summits must be wiped down completely after use.
Nebraska
Everyone in Nebraska is dead.
Nevada
Complimentary shrimp cocktail must not sit out for more than 24 hours prior to serving.
Non-essential casino heist members urged to stay home.
Clubs required to offer Purell bottle service.
New Hampshire
Residents are urged to promote social distancing by continuing their longstanding practice of shunning any and all outsiders.
New Jersey
Delis forbidden from hanging beautiful Capocollo in window to avoid crowds forming around the meat.
Residents encouraged to use elbow to greet associates instead of back of the hand.
Gamblers may enter casinos only after receiving a temperature check and guessing the result within 0.1 degree.
New Mexico
Newly imposed limits on pilgrims paying visit to Freddie Prinze, Jr.’s place of birth.
The state’s 11 non-retired adults can return to work as long as they wear masks.
New York
With cases once again surging in New York, residents are urged to remember Andrew Cuomo is doing a terrific job.
NYC tourists asked extra emphatically to get the fuck out the way.
North Carolina
Strict curfew put in place for all riff-raff.
Your aunt who lives out there says the restrictions are borderline fascist, but of course she’d say that.
North Dakota
No restrictions as all 4 residents are doing a pretty good job staying away from each other.
Ohio
Ban on filmmakers traveling from out-of-state to make documentaries on decline of American manufacturing.
Residents strongly advised not to attend large gatherings indoors unless you brought a dish to share.
Oklahoma
No one allowed to get vaccine before they’ve warshed up.
Residents experiencing Covid symptoms should immediately isolate and ask the Lord for forgiveness.
State officials will sanitize panhandle between each use.
Oregon
White nationalist militias are encouraged to form smaller white nationalist militia pods.
Unhappy residents have been forced outdoors after a total ban on indoor hiking.
Social gatherings are not to exceed 6 people between a maximum of 2 polycules.
Pennsylvania
Cheesesteaks must be eaten in solitude, as always.
Temporary ban on brotherly love.
Rhode Island
Citizens advised to keep a Rhode Island-length distance between them.
Number of monthly art fairs reduced to 60,000.
South Carolina
All brisket should remain in smokehouse until achieving savory perfection.
Newly imposed statewide ban on canceling sporting events.
Officials sure a hurricane will bury any of their mistakes.
South Dakota
Governor Kristi Noem’s refusal to impose any restrictions has made her a rising GOP star, undeniably propelled upward by the growing stack of bodies beneath her feet.
Residents traveling out of state must bring back two or three people to visit.
Tennessee
Maximum occupancy of six honkies per tonk.
Residents required to sanitize hands with wet wipes between each spicy hot barbecue wing.
Texas
Brought in a new, no-nonsense sheriff to properly deal with the coronavirus.
Bank-robbing bandits required to wear correct PPE instead of merely a bandana.
All indoor gatherings must have at least 12 good ol’ boys.
Utah
Governor encourages residents to continue sitting quietly on couch with hands folded as they have joyfully done since March.
Bars open so drinkers can reap consequences of offending God.
All family gatherings may include only 20 wives or less.
Vermont
Residents told to remain calm as governor enacts temporary ban on bulk nut bins.
Surface must be cleaned with disinfectant wipe before drinking from cow udder.
Virginia
Blue Ridge Mountains shaved down to stumps to allow more air to circulate into state.
Performers at Colonial Williamsburg must pretend to be dying from era-appropriate pathogens like Yellow Fever or Small Pox.
Wild ponies of Chincoteague urged to ride, just keep riding and don’t look back.
Washington
Residents who’ve been exposed to virus are asked to quarantine for two weeks in isolated cabin in the woods while writing acoustic folk album.
All two dozen Washington residents who do not work for Amazon must stay at home.
West Virginia
Listening in on what Virginia is doing and just enforcing that.
Anyone who tests positive for coronavirus will immediately be run out of West Virginia.
Those seeking vengeance as part of an intergenerational family feud are exempt from stay-at-home orders.
Wisconsin
Officials contact tracing every six-pack of New Glarus that travels out of state.
Advises residents to remove mask before inserting Bratwurst.
Reduce trips to Culver’s to 6 or 7 times per day.
Wyoming
Residents should approach each other cautiously to avoid spooking the virus.
Ghost towns ordered to remain abandoned.
Ass returned to chaps for more comprehensive protection.
