Starbucks Fights Unionization Effort By Hiring Pinkertons To Order Exhausting, Hyper-Specific Drinks

BUFFALO, NY—In a dramatic escalation by the coffee chain’s executives, Starbucks reportedly began fighting employee efforts to unionize this week by hiring the Pinkerton agency to enter stores en masse and order exhausting, hyper-specific drinks. A representative from the Pinkertons who spoke on condition of anonymity told reporters that Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson had directed their agents to demoralize baristas and create a toxic situation in their workplace with drink orders that called for a minimum of 10 ingredients, including at least six pumps of an ingredient not listed anywhere on the menu. Sources confirmed that Starbucks’ contract with the longtime union-busting agency specifies that dozens of Pinkertons disguised as regular customers hold up the line by saying they don’t know what they want and then changing their mind several times. It is believed they often request oat milk, soy milk, coconut milk, and regular milk before insisting that their drink contain no milk of any kind because it hurts their stomach. Reports suggest they then become indignant and harass employees when informed their requests cannot be fulfilled. Starbucks reportedly believes that entire shifts spent trying to make cappuccinos without foam or sugar-free drinks with caramel drizzle will leave employees exhausted and encourage high turnover. If its initial efforts fail, Starbucks is said to be planning another phase of its union-busting campaign in which Pinkertons would show up to baristas’ apartments and threaten to harm their families unless someone makes a venti mocha latte with eight shots of espresso, four pumps of white mocha syrup, four pumps of cinnamon dolce syrup, three pumps of hazelnut syrup, three pumps of dark caramel sauce, extra salt, extra caramel drizzle, less whipped cream, extra whipped cream, and cold foam on the spot.