Swimmers wearing Speedo’s new laser-bonded LZR racing swimsuit have set 35 records in the past few weeks. Here’s how the LZR gives competitors the advantage:
Tightly compresses swimmer’s body then squirts them across the pool
Perfect for standing in with a puffed-out chest and head cocked up and slightly to the left
Emits series of low clicks to help wearer find edge of pool
Comes with free pool noodle
NASA-researched design would keep swimmer alive and well should Olympic pool ever hurtle into dark vacuum of space
Covered in Crisco to reduce drag
Squeezes out all physical matter from swimmer until they become a Euclidean point with no magnitude, only position
Powerful built-in scent glands attract rutting males as far as five nautical miles away
Wearing it allows you to find out who your real friends are, that’s for damn sure
