Sources: NFL Knew What Evil Lurking Within Heart Of Man

NEW YORK—Amidst reports that high-level executives lied to the public in order to cover up their complicity in a number of scandals currently plaguing the league, sources confirmed Wednesday that officials in the NFL front office have long been aware of what evil lurks deep within the heart of man. “Several key figures within the organization definitely knew about the frigid depths of the soul, its underlying and cascading darkness, far earlier than they are claiming,” said one source with knowledge of the situation, alleging that detailed information on human nature’s immutable wickedness was available to the league for months, if not years. “It’s difficult to pinpoint the timeline of exactly who knew what and when, but it’s clear that the NFL was fully informed of the vile cloud of sinfulness that shrouds each and every one of us, leaving a foul sickness infecting the very essence of humanity itself.” Additional reports confirmed that league commissioner Roger Goodell was also knowledgeable of the vile perversion constantly lingering just beneath the surface of all people, having reportedly glimpsed the sickening visage of mankind in his own reflection sometime in late February.