Snuggle Marketers Kill Off 18-34 Demographic Rather Than Let It Fall Into Hands Of Competitor

WILTON, CT—Unwilling to let its rivals lay claim to the key consumer group, the marketing team for Snuggle fabric softener slaughtered the entire 18-to-34-year-old demographic to prevent it from falling into the hands of a competitor, sources said Tuesday. “When the stakes are this high, it’s not enough to simply advertise Snuggle’s low price, fresh scent, and wrinkle-fighting power,” said Snuggle marketing director Rebecca Murston, adding that the logistical challenge of orchestrating 71 million murders was negligible compared with the prospect of losing essential customers to a competing product. “If Tide, or god forbid Bounce, were to establish a foothold with this highly lucrative segment of the market, all would be lost. And if we cannot have 18- to 34-year-olds, we have decided that no one can.” At press time, the bloodshed showed no sign of abating as Snuggle now set its sights on 35- to 44-year-olds, the most coveted surviving demographic.