It has been an unusual time for Smoove.
I have opted to remodel my penthouse apartment, and while this should be a joyous occasion, the steps leading up to this decision are in fact a rich tapestry woven with emotion and pain. Please allow me to begin.
Recently, I thought I had fallen in love with a young woman who seemed to embody everything Smoove desired in a lady. She was beautiful, elegant, and enjoyed exploring the sensual arts with a mischievous air that few could resist. I thought Smoove had done the impossible—he had found a second great love of his life. With the first, his one true girl, living in San Diego with a computer programmer and, I assume, his child, this came as a welcome surprise to me.
Finally, the great love story of our time could be written. It would be composed on delicate parchment paper and written in a flowing script with a pen that looks like an ostrich feather. The very ink used to print the book with would be mingled with tears, as all who read it, even those who worked at the book press, would be overcome with emotion. The tale would be passed on from father to son as a lesson on how to love a woman completely, as well as a guide to when and how to hit a girl doggy style. It would also be available as an e-book. Best of all, this story would not have a sad ending.
This, however, was not to be.
Smoove found out from his main man Darnell that this girl was actually a classy stripper named Destiny known for running game, and her specialty was players. While it was heartbreaking to learn this news, it was better to find out sooner rather than later. In retrospect, I firmly believe that a younger Smoove would have sniffed out her intentions even earlier.
Around this same time Smoove had a small grease fire that, while quickly contained, caused some cosmetic damage to the area around the stove in his impeccable open kitchen. While not a terrible problem, it will take some time, money, and effort to restore this kitchen to a place where corn may once again be prepared, cooked, and served.
Once you bring in professionals to make repairs, you begin to think about all the projects and improvements that you have ever desired and realize that if you are going to spend money you might as well go all the way. I must admit, 20 years ago I thought I would die with the same red silk wall hangings still festooning my walls, but I now realize they no longer bring me the sense of comfort they once did.
Smoove needs a new color palate.
You see, much like an aging Phil Mickelson I must make adjustments to my stance and grip in order to suit the playing style of an older love man. Focusing on red and white is a younger man’s game. I now feel more comfortable with rich wood tones and neutral hues with little pops of color. For these color pops I have been going back and forth between Tangerine Sunrise and Candied Yams. The homosexual man I have hired to help me redecorate seems to think that both colors can be used to create a coherent space, but I remain unconvinced.
This is not a decision I have taken lightly. My apartment is considered iconic in some circles and has been photographed for many romance-enthusiast magazines. More importantly this space is very much a part of me and I am a part of it. I have nurtured it, and it has nurtured me, perhaps more than any other single thing in my life. But Smoove is a different man than he was all those years ago and must look to the future.
Nor has it been an easy undertaking. For the first time in years there are men in Smoove’s apartment. And he has made them lunch on occasion. However, even more difficult has been the fact that life has been on hold. While the apartment is being redone it is all Smoove can think about. It has consumed his mind in ways he did not think possible.
Soon, however, the remodel will be complete, and if things go as planned there will be a new spring in this aging player’s step. This I very much look forward to.
Smoove out.
Smoove B resides in the city of Cincinnati, OH, in a 10th-floor penthouse. He is a regular guest contributor at the Cincinnati Learning Annex, where he teaches the popular six-week course, “The Fundamentals Of Relationship Communication.” From 1998–2001, he wrote, produced, and starred in a semi-regular cable-access cooking show that focused on breakfast.
