Single Woman Wonders How Long She’d Be Dead In Apartment Before Anyone Bothered To Come By And Eat Her Face

CHICAGO—Imagining all the ways she could accidentally injure herself without being able to call for help, local single woman Billie Gorman reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how long she could lie dead in her apartment before anyone bothered to come by and eat her face. “It’s a very real possibility I could be here rotting for days before a person stopped in and carved up my remains, peeling the flesh from my head as they engaged in a depraved, ritualistic feast,” said Gorman, who has lived alone since splitting up with her last serious partner five years ago and recently decided she should get to know her neighbors in case, God forbid, something terrible happened and by the time someone smelled her decaying corpse it was no longer appetizing. “It’s hard. A lot of my friends have someone in their life who would almost certainly descend upon them and devour their eyes, ears, nose, and mouth the moment the life went out of their body. I get so freaked out by the thought of no one deriving sexual pleasure as they tear into my cheek and sate their forbidden hunger that I’m scared to even climb up on my step stool anymore.” Gorman went on to say she finally understood why so many people in her situation have a pet.