Silicon Valley Billionaires Unveil Diversity Initiative To Replace 60% Of Own Blood With Transfusion From Young People Of Color

PALO ALTO, CA—Guaranteeing that candidates from a wide array of backgrounds would play part in helping them live forever, a coalition of Silicon Valley billionaires unveiled a new diversity initiative Friday to replace 60% of their own blood with transfusions from young people of color. “In an effort to ensure our vision of inclusion, we are pledging today to harvest blood from thousands of diverse applicants around the country to prevent us from ever aging,” said Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff, explaining that while young white people’s blood unfortunately accounted for the vast majority of their vital fluids, the billionaires set ambitious benchmarks for the amount of minority blood they would pump into their veins in the coming years. “Sure, we’ve done well in transfusing Asian American blood into ourselves recently, but that’s simply not enough. We have an obligation to do more to make sure that historically underrepresented groups’ blood has a place in our veins because they hold the same key to eternal youth as any white person in their teens and 20s.” At press time, the billionaires claimed this was just the first step, and that within the next 5 to 10 years they plan to start harvesting organs from healthy, young minorities.