Shinzo Abe’s Assassin Annoyed By Lousy Seats At State Funeral

CHIYODA, TOKYO—Craning his neck in frustration between the heads and shoulders of the many dignitaries and officials seated in front of him, 42-year-old assassin Tetsuya Yamagami was reportedly annoyed Tuesday by his lousy seats at the state funeral of former Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Sheesh, I get that I wasn’t the most important person in the guy’s life, but you’d think they would have seated me a little closer than the nosebleeds,” said Yamagami, adding that he assumed he would have at least gotten a call-out in the eulogy for murdering the Liberal Democratic Party leader in cold blood. “It’s not like I’m some nobody. I shot and killed this person! And yet I’m back here with fourth-tier celebrities and some municipal government jerk-offs. Jeez, maybe I can talk to an usher to see if I can get a bit closer. There are definitely empty seats down there.” Yamagami added that he was especially piqued by the situation given how hard it was to get in a good shot from up there.