Shifting Police Timeline Now States Uvalde, TX Never Existed

UVALDE, TX—Once again shifting the official timeline of how authorities reacted to a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School, Uvalde school police chief Pedro Arredondo released new details during a press conference Wednesday, stating that Uvalde, TX had never existed. “After several days of exhaustive investigations into the tragic events of May 24, the Uvalde School District Police Department has determined there was no wrongdoing on the part of officers, as Uvalde is not, in fact, a town in Texas or a geographical location of any kind,” said Arredondo, adding that authorities did everything they could considering that Robb Elementary and all of its students and teachers were nothing more than figments of our collective imaginations. “Despite several erroneous initial reports, we now know for certain that it was impossible for a mass shooter to have entered a Uvalde school and killed 19 children and 2 teachers, as neither he nor his victims ever walked this Earth, and thus could not kill or be killed. While police rushed into action, there was little they could do, for how can you save the lives of people who have never been born? The sooner we accept this, the sooner we can heal.” Arredondo went on to state that he could not take any questions from reporters, because he, the reporters, and the room they were standing in were only a dream or mass delusion of some kind.