Sheepish Timberwolves Fire Placekicker

MINNEAPOLIS—The Minnesota Timberwolves gave fresh ammunition to critics of their recent personnel moves Monday night when they made announced that placekicker Dave Rayner, claimed off waivers on Nov. 30 after being cut from the Kansas City Chiefs, had been cut from the roster. “We appreciate the contribution Dave made to the team in his time here, but he did not fill our need for an actual basketball player,” coach Randy Wittman said of Rayner, who scored fewer than four points per game for Minnesota, far below the NBA and his NFL averages. “I hope Dave finds challenges worthy of his talents.” Wittman then introduced controversial new Timberwolf signing jockey Willie Shoemaker III, admitting that while the project player has less than ideal size, his pedigree was too good to pass up.




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper