Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)
“I’m against outsourcing any job that can be better accomplished by these American fists.”
Josh Hawley (R-MO)
“I believe in the second amendment first, the first amendment second, and the Bible—wait, no, the Bible first, the second amendment second, and the first amendment last. Shit.”
Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ)
“I’d have to consult with the NRA before responding, at which point we can start the bidding.”
Rand Paul (R-KY
“The mere fact of you asking me this question is grounds enough for me to filibuster Congress for six hours.”
Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
“I’m sure we can find a compromise on a reasonable number of school shootings.”
Marco Rubio (R-FL)
“Find some bullshit Bible quote about swords or whatever and just put that as my quote, all right?”
Joe Manchin (D-WV)
“Bringing up gun control legislation to the Senate floor is absolutely critical because publicly opposing it does wonders for my reelection chances.”
Chris Murphy (D-CT)
“I’d love a ban on assault weapons, but I’ll settle for spray painting them neon or something if that’s what gets constituents off my back.”
Richard Burr (R-NC)
“I can get you a great deal on some primo firearm manufacturer stocks that are about to go way, way up.”
Dick Durbin (D-IL)
“I have a long and proven track record of talking about passing gun control legislation.”
John Kennedy (R-LA)
“I like guns, but there are a lot more efficient ways to kill a ton of people.”
Mark Kelly (D-AZ)
“Of course I support gun control, but I’ve also seen first-hand how a plasma rifle can often be the only thing between an astronaut and a full-on extraterrestrial boarding.”
Chuck Grassley (R-IA)
“I think you should be able to concealed carry. I think you should be able to hide whatever you want on your person. Think of all the precious little items each of us carries around, hidden within the folds of our clothes. Ooh! the mind goes all a-titter just imagining those secret treats!”
Jon Ossoff (D-GA)
“Me? Oh, right. I forgot I got elected.”
Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
“I’m in the House of Representatives, remember? It’s a slideshow about senators. Are you paying attention at all? And if not, why are you even reading this?”
Tammy Duckworth (D-IL)
“As a combat veteran, I know assault weapons should only be pointed at America’s enemies like women and children in Africa or the Middle East.”
Tom Cotton (R-AR)
“Plain and simple, it’s an attack on the freedom of Americans to defend ourselves from black joggers in our neighborhoods and Muslim-looking delivery drivers.”
Mazie Hirono (D-HI)
“In Hawaii, we have a saying: ‘What the fuck are you doing with a pistol in your waistband, Dave? Like hell you’re bringing that thing into my house, you fucking lunatic.’”
John Cornyn (R-TX)
“Gun control is a mixed bag—I support the ‘gun’ part, but I don’t support the ‘control’ part.”
Robert Menendez (D-NJ)
“Depends. What size donation are we talking about here?”
Rick Scott (R-FL)
“Just another disgusting attempt by coastal elite liberals to destroy our proud, traditional culture of senseless mass slaughter.”
Jon Tester (D-MT)
“I’m a Democrat from Montana, are you trying to get me killed?”
Ted Cruz (R-TX)
“RIP Big Bird! That’s what you get when you get the jab! #Bitcoin.”
Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
“I completely support President Clinton’s assault weapons ban and I hope it’s included in the 1994 crime bill.”
