Scientists Announce Earth’s Sewage No Longer Drinkable

WASHINGTON—In the first comprehensive, global survey of its kind, an international team of chemists published a study Tuesday in the journal Environmental Science And Technology that found the Earth’s sewage is no longer drinkable. “After collecting wastewater samples from more than two dozen industrialized nations, we have determined that around 100% of the world’s sewage currently contains dangerous impurities and is unsafe for human consumption,” said biochemist and study co-author Ashley LaRusso, explaining that sewers across the world had become contaminated with extremely high levels of bacteria, and if their contents were ingested, a person come become gravely ill. “These results held true regardless of whether the untreated sewage was obtained from a municipal sewer, from a septic tank, or from tapping the drainpipe directly below the toilet in one’s home. Unfortunately, it is now unsafe for anyone anywhere to descend into a manhole, dip an empty glass into whatever they find down there, and take a big drink of it. We as human beings have failed catastrophically in our stewardship of the planet’s sewers.” LaRusso went on to state that while more research was needed, at the present time she saw no reason to discontinue the popular pastime of swimming in raw sewage.