Scientist Really Thought Job Would Be Less Grant Writing And More Glow-In-The-Dark Lizard Making

STANFORD, CA—As she settled in Friday for another long night of onerous paperwork, local scientist Dr. Rudha Zarah told reporters that when she accepted her research position, she had envisioned herself spending a lot less time on grant writing and a lot more time on glow-in-the-dark lizard making. “I realize every academic job involves some administrative work, but come on—I’ve been here eight months now, and I haven’t created a single lizard with bright neon pink, blue, or purple skin,” said the 34-year-old postdoctoral fellow, lamenting the fact that the state-of-the-art genetics laboratory she worked in had “a perfectly good CRISPR machine collecting dust” while she filled out page after page of funding requests that had nothing to do with glow-in-the-dark lizards. “Look at all these forms! This is ridiculous. I didn’t get a PhD in bioengineering just to sit behind a desk all day. I got it to pursue my dreams of tinkering with DNA until I gave life to a phosphorescent iguana with a few extra legs and eyebrows and maybe even wings. Unfortunately, it could be a decade or more before I make tenure and am able to spend my time dunking reptiles in uranium until they start to pulsate in otherworldly colors.” At press time, Zarah confirmed she had been pleasantly surprised to learn Stanford’s institutional review board had signed off on her proposal to genetically engineer a 16-eyed, hyperintelligent human-koala hybrid.