These days, safe sex isn’t just a good idea, it’s a matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips to help you “play it safe”:
Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly
Think about your parents’ nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex
Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat
Under no circumstance should you give CPR to a stranger
Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood
Don’t fall for lines like, “God protects his servants in the clergy from harm”
Pull out cat’s teeth before pouring gravy over vagina
Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you
Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use
When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of chi imbalance
Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic; use them to make papiér-maché genital wrap
Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar, be sure to ask, “You don’t have AIDS, do you?”
Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape
You can get it from kissing—tear out partner’s tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact
To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms
Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs
If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best
