Since taking over as the CEO of Twitter, Elon Musk has instituted several sad, pathetic company policies driven almost entirely by his ego. Here are the most cringe-worthy requests Musk has made so far.
Make His Personal Tweets One Font Size Larger
In an effort to stand out, Elon demanded engineers make his own tweets one size larger than those on the rest of the site.
A New, Even Cringier Emoji
Feeling as if the “tears of laughter” face that he includes in many of his Tweets is overdone, the CEO has requested a new slate of fresh, even more out-of-touch emoticons.
Lay Off All Twitter Employees Until There’s 69 People Left
Elon knew cuts had to be made, but he requested to make sure the company only had enough to reflect the sex position he has never done before.
Unblock The Sex Bots Who Blocked Him
After sexually harassing the sex bots, Elon had to make the embarrassing request for software engineers to get the sex bots to unblock him.
Mandated 60-Second All-Staff Laughter At 4:20 P.M.
Stating that it was great for workplace culture, Elon demanded that every employee shriek and laugh like schoolgirls after he pointed out that it was 4:20 p.m.
Ask CFO To Pay For Premium Photoshop Subscription For Personal Meme Design
Employees were disturbed to hear that Elon dropped to his knees and begged his CFO to release the $240 per year he’d need to continue making his hilarious memes.
Have All Workers Pay A $20 Monthly Employment Fee
This was partially offset by the $10 friendship fee Twitter employees started charging Elon.
Hiring A Lorne Michaels Impersonator To Tell Him He Got A Job At SNL
Musk’s in-house Lorne Michaels impersonator tells him at least once a day he’s never read a packet as good as his.
Daily Meeting Where Management Files Past His Exposed Genitals and Comments On How Normal They Are
The practice of quickly looking down at the CEO’s open pants, looking up, and exclaiming “so normal!” is expected to become mandatory for middle management next quarter.
Pretend To Be Elon’s Girlfriend At His High School Reunion
All 1300 Twitter employees politely declined so as not send him the wrong message.
Asked Everyone To Call Him ‘The Wolf’
It’s believed he thought the moniker sounded tough.
Daily Birthday Parties at Twitter HQ
Elon’s the best boy in the world every day at 3 p.m.
Stop Posting Animal Pictures That Look Like Grimes
Staff had just gotten him to stop crying when he saw a chicken photo that got him riled up again.
Sending Tweet Printouts To People Not On Twitter
To ensure a truly global audience, billions of people worldwide receive paper copies of his jokes, political opinions, and hilarious memes.
Employees Must Let Him Win At C
Additionally, anyone on the office roof deck at the time must ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ each time he tosses a beanbag.
Every Employee Must Bring Something From Home That Would Be Funny For Elon To Pose With In A New Profile Pic
What if Elon had a purse in a profile picture? It would be crazy!
Make Twitter Profitable
An experienced CEO like Musk should know that businesses aren’t for making money, they’re for evading taxes.
