Quarterback, Seattle Seahawks
Strengths: Ability to evade Browns during 2012 Draft; As he’s only played in NFL for two years, still has life expectancy in the high 50s; Very active in the pocket community; Combines elusiveness with intelligence to avoid stupid conversations about his height
Weakness: Too short to be an NFL quarterback
Skill: Keeps eyes downfield to avoid seeing his head coach jumping around like a fucking lunatic
Team: Seattle Seabirds
Secret: Thinks the “Legion of Boom” is the dumbest fucking thing he’s ever heard
Catchphrase: “I am quarterback Russell Wilson”
