Rumsfeld Family Immediately Squabbling Over Who Will Inherit Mounted Heads Of Iraqi Civilians

TAOS, NM—Raising tensions between the relatives to a fever pitch mere moments after the patriarch’s demise, the family of Donald Rumsfeld immediately began squabbling over who would inherit his collection of mounted heads of Iraqi civilians, sources confirmed Thursday. “Grandpa would want me to have them since he knew how much I loved them growing up,” said grandchild Lawrence Rumsfeld, dismissing the claims from Rumsfeld’s wife Joyce Pierson that the former defense secretary had promised on his deathbed to give her the set of severed and stuffed heads from families killed in Operation Iraqi Freedom. “I used to curl up and read under the little Iraqi child—the one that grandpa cherished with all his heart. He worked so hard to acquire it. On the other hand, Marcy never even cared about the mounted heads until today! And for the last time, no, we are not not going to divide them. These heads only work as a set.” At press time, the family had agreed that this would have been much easier if Rumsfeld had simply included instructions for the heads in his will as he had with his shares in Raytheon and Northrop Grumman.