Roommate, Girlfriend Never Seem To Have Sex

BROOKLINE, MA—By all outward indications, Derek Nesbitt and his girlfriend of eight months, Shawna Morrero, never have sex, baffled roommate Max Wirsing reported Tuesday. “It’s pretty odd, frankly, that he and Shawna rarely hang out in his bedroom, and when they do, they never turn the music up loud,” said Wirsing, pointing out that both he and his roommate have similar 9-to-5 work schedules, effectively ruling out the possibility that the couple has sex during the day. “What’s more, my room is right next to his, and I haven’t once heard them go at it while I’m trying to sleep. Bizarre.” Wirsing later determined that Morrero and Nesbit could only be having sex during an 8-to-10-minute window on Monday and Thursday evenings, when Wirsing leaves the apartment to move his car to the opposite side of the street.