Romney's Acceptance Speech To Avoid Mentioning Personal, Professional, Religious, Political Life

TAMPA, FL—According to sources within Mitt Romney’s campaign, the presidential nominee’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention tonight will aim to solidify the support of his base and appeal to undecided voters by avoiding all mention of his personal, professional, religious, and political backgrounds. “Given what a big stage this is, we think it’s best for Mitt to stay away from potentially divisive topics that could raise any doubts or cast him in a negative light among voters, such as his family background, his church, his childhood and teen years, his term as Massachusetts governor, his income level and tax rate, his finances in general, and basically any of his views past or present on health care, abortion, gun control, immigration, environmental protection, and same-sex rights,” said chief speechwriter Lindsay Hayes, noting that Romney’s residences, where he went to college, his career at Bain Capital, where he went to graduate school, his overseas bank accounts, any political opinions he vocalized between 1994 and 2008, and his religious mission to France would also go unaddressed. “Mitt has some really great things to say about America and freedom, though, so definitely tune in for that.” Sources expect Romney’s speech to clock in at under four minutes.