Roger Goodell Tells Junior Seau's Family To Throw Brain In His Trunk With The Rest Of Them

OCEANSIDE, CA—After paying his respects to the late Chargers great Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell acceded to Junior Seau’s family’s request to have the deceased linebacker’s brain studied for the effects of repeated concussions, telling them to toss it in the trunk of his car with all the other brains of dead players he has collected. “Use that permanent marker to write his name on the jar or whatever, and then you can just go ahead and drop it in there,” said Goodell, referring to the large plastic container of more than a dozen ex-player brains he keeps in his trunk. “Oh, and sorry for your loss.” Goodell promised the family that the clinking sound made as the brains rolled around in his trunk would remind him to keep them moist, and that any damage to Seau’s brain will be reported by a team of medical experts hired by the league, as long as they don’t find anything too damning.