Following accusations of sexual assault and his NFL suspension, contrite quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has vowed to mend his ways. Here’s how:
Try not to just talk about himself when forcing himself on drunk women
Shall always stop short of sexual assault by holding up around sexual misconduct
If he does go out to bar, he will absolutely make sure to tell everyone he’s Jay Cutler
Put any young woman who’s had too much to drink into taxi and while helping her into backseat just feel her up a little
Every time he has an urge to drink and screw random women, will just drink and ride his motorcycle instead
Admit to himself it’s time to start killing them afterward, wrapping their bodies in chicken wire, and tossing them on the outgoing tide
Work on throwing mechanics to become so good that no one will care how sleazy he is
Find out why that one nice girl in Georgia hasn’t called him back
