There’s only one thing men’s rights activists hate more than women, minorities, and using preferred pronouns, and that’s ingesting anything besides red meat. The Onion asked right-wing men why they refuse to eat vegetables, and this is what they said.
Troy Schultz, Airline Agent
“Being healthy is a sign of weakness.”
Derrick Moffatt, Bail Bondsman
“The Jolly Green Giant is clearly gay.”
Ryan Peterson, Welder
“I won’t eat anything that I can’t buy at a gas station.”
Hank Cappola, Police Officer
“Vegetables picked their side when they collaborated with Michelle Obama’s White House garden.”
Brad Lipscomb, Consultant
“I’m too deep in the culture wars to start asking questions now.”
William Neil, Sales
“I would, but I’m a little busy having a heart attack.”
Gordon Schwartz, Tailor
“The mystery of photosynthesis confounds me so.”
Benjamin Rollins, Uber Driver
“For decades, national agricultural policies have subsidized grain for meat and poultry feed, artificially lowering the cost per calorie of meat products. This, coupled with the loss of manufacturing jobs and the increased cost of living, has priced many hard-working Americans out of the joy that comes from eating whole, raw onions.”
Ryan Dobbs, Stockbroker
“Just one of many ways I’m entitled not to act like a grown-up.”
Brett Kern, Teacher
“Deep down, I know I don’t deserve anything that will help me live longer.”
Aaron Lawrence, Jockey
“I once caught my wife in bed with a cucumber.”
Artie Lombardo, Skydiving Instructor
“Mommy’s not around to make me do anything anymore.”
Corbin Jones, Mechanic
“I won a lifetime supply of beef jerky and intend to get my money’s worth.”
Marcus Hendrix, Caretaker
“Vegetables are too diverse.”
Hunter Kapadopoulos, Banker
“Obviously I would eat vegetables if any of them came in boy colors.”
Mike Rafferty, Electrician
“You shouldn’t eat anything that comes from the ground. That’s where hell is.”
Fred Geller, Lawyer
“We’re all just one rutabaga away from living on some hippie liberal commune.”
Marc Renteria, Property Manager
“I don’t want to eat anything that didn’t suffer first.”
