Michael Dell
“I just check the box on my 1040 that asks if I’d like to opt out.”
Rupert Murdoch
“All my cash is tied up in teens.”
Bill Gates
“I safely stowed away half of my considerable $130 billion fortune in a shell ex-wife.”
Larry Page
“They know that if they come for my money, they can kiss their precious surveillance network goodbye.”
Elon Musk
“[meme of sloth in sunglasses leaning back in hip-hop stance]”
Warren Buffett
“I’ve led my secretary to believe she is taxed at a rate of 900,000,000%, and then I use that money for my own taxes.”
Rob Walton
“The money? You’re looking for all my money? Uh, Jim has it.”
Jim Walton
“My money? I don’t have any money. I gave it all to Rob.”
Tyler Perry
“I claim every family member I portray as a legal dependent.”
Jamie Dimon
“I upgraded to TurboTax Executive, which includes money laundering and falsifying documents.”
Sergey Brin
“I registered myself as a tax-exempt religion.”
Larry Ellison
“Just cover myself in grease and off I go! Woop woop woop woop woop!”
Charles Koch
“‘Shucks, I’m but a humble Kansas farmer boy, Mr. IRS Daddy Man.’ And then I do a bashful little face.”
Daniel Gilbert
“I just assumed I didn’t have to, and, weirdly, no one’s corrected me yet.”
MacKenzie Scott
“I have a really good guy at H&R block.”
Steve Ballmer
“I have 125 children from the thousands of women I’ve slept with, so all the tax credits pretty much take care of it.”
Bernard Arnault
“I converted all my wealth to cash and covered it with honey to attract bees. There are now tens of trillions of bees protecting my money from tax collectors.”
John Mars
“I always guilts IRS agents by asking them if, out of all the billionaires out there, they really want to tax the candy guy.”
Richard Branson
“I learned this trick years ago that even if you made tens of millions in a year, you can just write zero in the income line. Works every time.”
David Geffen
“The IRS can’t touch your money if you have it all tied up in Aerosmith merch.”
