Reverend Delays Queen’s Funeral Few More Minutes To See If Even One Person Shows Up

LONDON—Deciding to give it just a few more minutes, the Very Rev. Dr. David Hoyle, dean of Westminster, reportedly delayed Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral Monday to see if even one person would show up. “It’s a shame with a lot of these older folks, virtually forgotten by their families, and all of their friends are already gone,” said Hoyle, who tapped his foot and checked his watch as he scanned the empty pews of Westminster Abbey, hoping just one relative or neighbor would attend the deceased 96-year-old’s official state funeral. “This is even worse than when her dad died and only a few church ladies came. I don’t have much on my agenda today anyway. The next service isn’t until 6 o’clock. Well, I guess I’ve given it long enough. Let’s get on with it.” At press time, reports confirmed Hoyle was reading the Holy Scriptures before a couple of French tourists who had wandered in to see the architecture.