With a slew of anti-LGBQT+ bills recently passed in red states, The Onion asked Republicans what they would do if their kid came out as gay, and this is what they said.
Teddy Antwerp, Consultant
“If I ever caught my son kissing another boy, I’d say the same thing to him as I would to any of my straight children: We do not permit love in this family.”
James Burnett, Accountant
“Like everything else that has to do with my children, I’d have their mother deal with it.”
Roger Hanson, Carpenter
“I would disown my gay son or daughter, who will remain entirely hypothetical for the rest of my life since no woman would ever have me.”
Clayton Gibb, Car Salesman
“Sue.”
Lisa Hendry, Teacher
“Tell her I love her just the same and that, in fact, some of the best transphobes I know are gay.”
Ken Elderkin, Fishmonger
“Oh, I would just tell them I’m gay too, since kids never want to grow up to be like their parents.”
Marc Carelli, Mechanic
“I would let my son know that it doesn’t change how I feel about him. Gay or straight, he’ll always be a disappointment to me.”
Victoria Atkinson, Homemaker
“That wouldn’t bother me at all. A little lemongrass essential oil and he’d be back to normal in no time.”
Randy Karnowski, Engineer
“The only thing that matters to me and my wife is that our kids hate the poor.”
Denise Nunez, Registered Nurse
“That’s impossible, because my kids aren’t vaccinated.”
Derek Pratt, Recruiter
“I would spend years teaching them extremely toxic, unhealthy relationship patterns to make them very unsuccessful in their future gay relationships.”
Ann Diers, File Clerk
“Electric chair.”
Stah Rhule, IT Manager
“I would send them to church and have the priest molest the gay out of them.”
Quincey Stahl, Teacher
“I would be impressed that they found me after I abandoned them a decade ago.”
Frank Porter, Doorman
“I’d kick him out! Then I’d let him back in, though. It’s a bad habit I learned from my job.”
David Morton, Accountant
“I don’t want to think about my son having sex with a man! Like a normal parent, I want to think about him nude, sweaty, and nervous, slowly pushing his erect penis into a woman’s vagina.”
David Purvis, Tax Specialist
“I can’t imagine anything more shameful than having raised a Log Cabin Republican.”
Joey Ritchens, Aluminum Siding Sales
“I’d say that’s fine, as long as you not one of them trans. Them trans come from deep in the woods. They dance in the pale moonlight. They sing about blood and eat your shadow.”
Lisa Pennington, Loan Officer
“I would make them do a handstand for one minute, drink a big gulp of water, and then hold their breath for 30 seconds—that should clear it right up.”
Arthur Quigley, Surgeon
“Oh, I’m not bigoted. I’d be fine with it just so long as they don’t ever date outside their race.”
Ralph Carr, Delivery Driver
“I would come out as even more gay because I’m the alpha.”
Audrey Wang, Hydrologist
“I would continue not speaking with him.”
Mary Anne Birch, DMV Clerk
“I’d pretend I didn’t hear her. I’d pretend and pretend and say, ‘What? What? What?’ And I’d lie to the doctor, my husband, everyone, until they made me get an expensive cochlear implant, at which point I would slip into a coma.”
David Sampang, Software Engineer
“I wouldn’t blow him, if that’s what you’re asking.”
