Former president Donald Trump and 18 co-conspirators were indicted in the state of Georgia for attempting to overturn the 2020 election. The Onion asked Republicans how they felt about Trump’s fourth indictment, and this is what they said.
Justin Friedrich, Chef
“The Georgia I know and love would never use its laws against a white person.”
Jacob Bartlet, Copywriter
“I’ve been looking for a reason to walk into the street and start shooting people, and this seems as good an excuse as any.”
Francine Franklin, Waitress
“I would rank this one as more exciting than the first and second but not as exciting as the third.”
Kathy Brodman, Optometrist
“And yet the Dominion voting machines are free to walk the streets.”
Tom Valentine, Pharmacist
“It’s given me a nice break from being outraged about drag queens full-time.”
Dan Hodges, Carpenter
“As a hyper-partisan hack, I’m incapable of critical thought.”
James Williamson, Law Clerk
“Through his anointing by God, Trump speaks the law into existence, and he has clearly stated that he’s innocent.”
Ben Clement, Tailor
“With all of Trump’s legal woes, it really makes you wonder if he could possibly be innocent.”
Asa Hutchinson, Presidential Candidate
“That nomination is mine now for sure, I can taste it.”
Rudy Giuliani, Lawyer
“I’ve never met this man in my life.”
Richard Wilson, Plumber
“I would really prefer to just fix this clog, if you don’t mind.”
Jamie Hill, Travel Agent
“Nothing an unhinged all-caps Truth Social post can’t fix.”
Jeffrey Brown, Orthodontist
“Everyone knows a rich, politically connected white man can’t get a fair trial in Georgia.”
Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT)
“Big whoop. Every president in our history tried to overturn the 2020 election at some point.”
John Patterson, Bus Driver
“I still thought he was a really good guy after the first three indictments, but this one turned me into a Democrat.”
Governor Ron DeSantis (R-FL)
“Weaponizing the justice system to score political points should only be done when the targets are pregnant women or gay high school kids.”
Jean Webster, EMT
“Who the fuck is Rico and what’s his address?”
