Following the former president’s third indictment, The Onion asked Republicans to explain why Donald Trump is innocent, and this is what they said.
Jared Paoletti, Mechanic
”Eyewitnesses, verified text messages, recorded phone calls, physical evidence, his own confessions caught on tape—It’s just not enough to go on.”
Seaton Burbage, Truck Driver
“I mean, personally I stopped trying to employ any type of logic to explain my pro-Trump position a long time ago.”
Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr., Businessmen
“President Dad IMPOTENT!!!”
Douglas Rivera, Construction Worker
“Hey, there are two sides to every story, and women are liars. That’s what this is about, right?”
Bill Graves, Sales
“This is all just a deep-state Democratic plot to distract me while I’m driving so I commit crimes like manslaughter and leaving the scene of an accident!”
John Bettker, Emergency Physician
“Have we truly grown so cynical that a man’s word isn’t enough?”
Thalia Porter, Massage Therapist
“Donald Trump came to me in a dream and told me that not only is he innocent, but that I am his one true successor.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene, Congresswoman
“He doesn’t have the ridges that characterize the skull shape of a criminal.”
Neva Silva, Optometrist
“He’s covered under the same constitutional right that says a beautiful lady cannot get a traffic ticket.”
Ralph Miran, Logistics Coordinator
“Commiting a crime or two doesn’t mean you’re not innocent.”
Bryan Rincón, Deli Owner
“I’m not sure you can be found guilty for trying to subvert democracy when we don’t live in a democracy? That’s like getting arrested for vehicular manslaughter after hitting a mannequin.”
Deirdre Cook, Pharmacist
“Would a guilty man sweat so profusely? I don’t think so.”
Christina Smith, Critical Care Nurse
“Allow me to explain my position using a witch hunt metaphor.”
Samuel Allens, Session Musician
“The Founding Fathers in their infinite wisdom wrote in the constitution that Trump wasn’t guilty.”
Peggy Boyle, Insurance Broker
“I hope they toss him in jail and throw away the key. And then I find the key and let him out and he’s so, so grateful that he let’s me use his golden shitter.”
Clark Downs, Bond Trader
“After seeing that he makes surprise pop-ins at Mar-A-Lago events, I paid huge money to host my birthday party there. That way, my crush, who is a huge fan of him, would definitely come. If he goes to jail and doesn’t show up, I’m never going to get a smooch.”
Father Theodore O’Malley
“Surprisingly, he came into my confessional and I absolved him of his sins. Thus he is innocent in the eyes of the Lord.”
Ned Cooper, Roofer
“I did his roof. Didn’t see anything guilty happening through the hole.”
John Polk, Orthodontist
“If President Trump guilty of anything, it’s of being a damn good golfer who committed treason.”
Gregory Quentin, Philosophy Teacher
“I am less interested in why Trump is innocent, and more why Trump is at all.”
Barron Trump, Child
“Pops, you mean? My ol’ pops? Guilty? Aw, go on now. Shucks. He ain’t done nothing.”
William Howe, Deep State Agent
“Trust me. He’s innocent.”
Tim Alinsky, Publicist
“Title 18 § 371 of the U.S. Criminal Code is obviously a slut who’s just lying for attention.”
Maureen Carter, Radiologist
“I screened him for guilt and it came up negative. Just a regular skeleton with a couple extra pelvises.”
