While Donald Trump has yet to pick a running mate for 2024, several notable individuals are aggressively vying for the role. The Onion asked Republicans why they should be Trump’s VP, and this is what they said.
Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO)
“Trump is a solid, wrinkled lump, and I’m all smooth, limp, and stretched out. So I really balance the ticket.”
Kari Lake
“Since he helped me lose Arizona, I’m more than happy to help him lose the entire country.”
Michelle Obama
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I forget to mention I had switched parties?”
Ben Shapiro
“If the vice presidential debate includes any high schoolers I can loudly talk over, I’m a lock.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL)
“How else will he win Florida?”
Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC)
“I want to prove to all the haters who claim I’m only running for president to be Trump’s running mate that they are correct.”
Steven Crowder
“Ohio will swing bright red as soon as they hear about my domestic abuse allegations.”
Mike Pence
“I’ve proven myself to be an excellent scapegoat.”
Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)
“I’ll bring an unhinged presence to the campaign that makes him seem calm and reasonable by comparison.”
Sen.
“How is he polling among cowards nobody likes?”
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)
“Donald Trump is getting up there in years, and I’m the only one qualified to pump out the same level of batshit crazy nonsense if required to assume the presidency.”
Laura Loomer
“With all the attacks over his antisemitic comments, he needs someone who has been willing to tell the truth about the Jews from the beginning.”
Rudy Giuliani
“Trump’s not the only one who’s hoping higher office keeps him out of jail.”
Gov. Kristi Noem (R-SD)
“I could soften his image as a sexist bigot while appealing to the ones in his base.”
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
“Being vice president would let me recover from my stroke in peace.”
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
“That kind of proximity to the president makes it much easier to kiss his ass.”
Donald Trump Jr.
“I could finally spend some quality time with him.”
Rush Limbaugh
“I’m dead, but I don’t think he knows that.”
