Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates:
All moderators to be quarantined from society 18 months prior to debate to eliminate bias
Statute of limitations prohibiting questioning candidate about any statements made more than 60 seconds in the past
Mechanized, continuously rotating debate stage gives every candidate equal time at center podium
No questions from, for, or about women
At least one tray of pigs in a blanket during pre-debate luncheon
All questions must be prefaced with personalized compliment about candidate’s policies or appearance
One consequence-free tirade against any marginalized group of each candidate’s choosing
Rule stating that any participant thrown off stage by another candidate automatically disqualified from presidential campaign
Safe podium space for all candidates made uncomfortable by line of questioning
Multiple-choice section
Each candidate given five paper DebateBucks they can use at any time to buy new questions from moderator
When a candidate A causes the debate ball to go out of play, candidate B will start at the top of the key and check the ball before resuming play
Every candidate allowed to deliver five minutes of closing personal attacks
