Republicans Address Income Inequality By Offering Middle Class Hot Stock Tip

WASHINGTON—Expressing their commitment to helping average American families get a leg up, leaders of the Republican party addressed the nation’s growing income inequality Wednesday by offering the middle class a hot stock tip. “Look, you guys didn’t hear it from us, but we have it on good authority that now’s the time to hop on the IPG Photonics train,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, who explained that investing “a few grand” right now would provide the boost that struggling middle-class households need to get ahead, before requesting that everyday Americans not share the inside advice with anyone else. “IPG’s got the fiber-optic laser market cornered, and we’ve got reason to believe that demand is going to shoot through the roof in the next few quarters. Yeah, it’s trading at a pretty steep $74, but this thing’s a sure deal. And you’ll want to grab a few hundred shares in this sucker if you can, because you’re looking at a dividend yield of at least 11 percent. Don’t worry, this tip’s for free.” Boehner then added that the GOP might also have a naked short-sell operation struggling Americans could get in on if they weren’t afraid to “get [their] hands a little dirty.”