Report: This Article Successfully Pads Out Content Quota

CHICAGO—According to a new report released Friday, this article, the one you are currently reading, has successfully padded out The Onion’s daily content quota and is expected to help generate the minimum level of web traffic necessary to keep the publication financially viable. “All indicators suggest this article will fulfill its purpose as a piece of filler content written with the express purpose of meeting the day’s minimum publishing requirements,” the report read in part, adding that the article is completely devoid of editorial value, contributes nothing to the public discourse, and serves no purpose beyond increasing ad impressions on the website. “While this won’t be The Onion’s highest-performing article of the day, it should nonetheless boost the click-through rate and, by doing so, keep the lights on a bit longer. Media-focused articles such as this have a niche audience, but with the addition of SEO keywords like “late capitalism,” “Harry and Meghan,” and “TikTok challenge,” it should deliver numbers just high enough to justify its existence.” The report concluded by noting that the bottom of the barrel has now been scraped, there are no stories prepared for tomorrow, and it might be best to start the morning off with a slideshow of past favorites.