Report: Modern-Day Pablo Escobar Smuggles One-Hitter Into Music Festival

CADOTT, WI—Passing utterly undetected through a complex cordon of bag checks, signage specifically prohibiting drug use, and three-second upper-body pat-downs by bored part-time security personnel, modern-day Pablo Escobar and mid-level systems analyst Patrick Quaid successfully smuggled a one-hitter containing 0.2 grams of low-grade marijuana into Rock Fest late Thursday. “It was touch-and-go for a minute there,” said the contemporary El Patrón, who served as his own mule in the complex “single-blind” scheme by storing the single-use pipe in his sock, a location where he reasoned drug paraphernalia are not usually found, and acting like nothing whatsoever out of the ordinary was happening. “In the end, it went perfectly smooth. Don’t know what I was so worried about.” At press time, Quaid had yet to retrieve the contraband from his sock, being too busy politely declining offers of joints from the hundreds of other modern-day Pablo Escobars in the crowd for Sevendust.