Report: Majority Of Americans Would Support A New War If There Were Elephants Involved

STANFORD, CA—Since the darkest days of the War on Terror, popular support for overseas military conflicts has dwindled among Americans, but according to a report released Wednesday by the Hoover Institution, the majority of the nation would approve of a new war if elephants were used in combat. “Of all potential variables affecting the country’s appetite for warfare, we see the greatest increase when the possibility of elephant-mounted U.S. troops is introduced,” said Dorothy Heinrich, a senior fellow at the think tank, explaining that nearly seven in 10 Americans would support more unilateral military interventions if promised the chance to see the giant mammals charge into action as war drums play and soldiers let loose with fierce battle cries. “Most concerns about military spending and humanitarian issues go away as soon as there’s the prospect of elephants trampling people and impaling them with their tusks. It doesn’t matter where or why the war is being fought—as long as there’s a guy riding on one of these terrifying beasts while massacring the enemy, Americans would generally be in favor of it.” Heinrich went on to confirm that in 2003, the wide, bipartisan support for going to war in Iraq actually arose from a misunderstanding about there being elephants involved.