Report Finds Average U.S. College Student Over $28,000 In Debt To Yakuza

NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds become involved with such an organization without realizing how it might affect their post-collegiate careers,” the report read in part, going on to describe how tattooed gangsters are often placed directly on campus to coerce students into signing loan agreements during a traditional bathhouse sake ceremony. “We have found that, sometime towards the end of their senior year, a student opens their door to find the oyabun, dressed in a primly pressed suit and flanked by sunglasses-wearing henchmen, ready to collect. A few students have been able to clear their debt but only by spending a decade working overseas as an assassin. However, we do concede that, compared to loans currently offered by financial institutions such as Sallie Mae, the Yakuza does provide more favorable interest rates.” Kirsch also noted that while the Yakuza do make some income-based repayment plans available, more and more students are opting to settle their debt by simply having their fingers cut off.