COLLEGE PARK, MD—A newly released University of Maryland study indicates that 90 percent of Americans are absolutely stuffed and unable to eat another bite.
The poll, an exhaustive survey of current U.S. digestive status, further indicated that 84 percent of Americans can’t believe how much they just ate, and that 71 percent do not even have room for dessert.
Even among the 10 percent who said they planned to eat just a little bit more, an overwhelming majority described themselves as “not at all hungry.”
“That lasagna was huge,” said study participant Gene Iavarone of White Plains, NY. “Whew.”
Iavarone’s comments placed him among the 35 million citizens falling somewhere between “I really shouldn’t” and “Maybe just one more bread roll.”
The stomach-patting national satiety marks a striking change from just 20 years ago, when nearly 50 percent of Americans were “ready for some pie.”
Today, just 6 percent of Americans describe themselves as having consumed “just about the right amount,” down 65 percent from 1975.
“America is full,” said Alex Gunther-Boyd, a University of Maryland professor and study head. “We as a people have eaten plenty.”
Gunther-Boyd said that if America continues to eat at its current rate, the national belt will need to be loosened at least three notches by the end of the year. The top button of America’s pants, he noted, will also likely require unbuttoning.
