Listing Says “For Flame Enthusiasts”
This is coded language that strongly suggests the location is on fire.
Nothing In The Pictures Looks Damp And Sudsy
A sure sign that they don’t clean the place.
No Picture Of The Family Crest
How are you supposed to be sure that a rival clan does not make its dwelling here?
The Pictures Are Dark, Blurry, And Include Your Own Haunted Visage
It’s fair to expect clear photos of the space that don’t include your own likeness staring directly into the lens with a look of hollow terror.
The Listing Is Located At “123 Fake Street”
There’s a ton of construction happening right now up and down Fake Street.
It’s Not A Geodesic Dome
If you were looking for a place with only four walls, you would have stayed in a hotel.
The Description Doesn’t Say “Nestled” Anywhere
This is your vacation. You deserve a “nestled.”
Tons Of Positive Reviews
A huge red flag that your host is 100% going to initiate an uncomfortable conversation with you about how much a positive review would mean to them.
It’s Nicer Than Your House
What do they think, that they’re better than you?
Every Review Mentions How Friendly The Bed Bugs Are
It’s a red flag when they don’t mention other positive attributes about the place.
Unusual Decor
It’s fine if things are a little fun and quirky, but if the home features taxidermied busts of previous guests and the words “YOU’RE NEXT” scrawled in blood, you may want to keep looking.
It’s Not Your Parents’ House
They still have your room set up the way you left it, so why would you stay anywhere else?
It Only Has 8,575 Reviews
It won’t feel homey until 10,000 strangers fuck in that apartment.
The House Is On Fire
Jeez. Not another fire house!
The Owners Sought You Out
If you were sent a handwritten letter from a stranger inviting you by name to stay at their Airbnb in the countryside, it’s time to keep looking.
Host Tells You Not To Open The Locked Door At The End Of The Hall, No Matter What You Hear
Too many rules!
Children Mandatory
There are plenty of family-friendly Airbnbs, but absolutely avoid any that require you to bring at least one “huggable little angel.”
Overselling The City
I mean, the Hudson Valley is nice, but “the grandeur”?
The Listing Has 11 Close-Up Pictures Of The Same Meat Hook
It’s a nice meat hook, but don’t book anything without seeing photos of the entire space first.
Vague Language Like “Ocean View”
If the description boasts of views of the ocean, but doesn’t specify which ocean, that’s a red flag.
All The Photos Have The Owner’s Toes Visible In Them
Hard to pinpoint exactly what the problem is here, but you’re probably better off looking somewhere else.
