VATICAN CITY—Sources confirmed a new hardcore pornographic movie began shooting at the Sistine Chapel on Sunday, marking the first time the seat of the Roman Catholic Church has hosted the filming of a sexually explicit adult feature since 1982’s Pope Fisters IV.
Pope Benedict XVI, who granted the producers permission to film sex scenes anywhere within the confines of the Vatican, reportedly offered a gracious welcome to the cast and crew of First Cummunion: The Holy Spoocharist this weekend, personally guiding them on a tour of St. Peter’s Basilica.
“Vatican City is a prime location and really sets the tone for what we’re trying to do with this skin flick,” said the film’s director, Herschel Savage, adding that little construction work was required to install glory holes in the confessional booths. “And it’s an amazing privilege to be at the site where they shot an absolute classic like Pope Fisters IV. Everybody has just been great to us. They love us here.”
“The place has some fucking beautiful art and shit,” continued Savage, pointing up toward the Sistine Chapel ceiling and Michelangelo’s fresco of the hand of God, which he said was used to great effect by the makers of Pope Fisters. “And it’s only gonna look better dripping with hot jizz.”
According to Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi, principal photography of the highly anticipated project is scheduled for the next three weeks and will feature the “most depraved and raunchy” onscreen sex acts ever filmed in St. Peter’s Square, the Apostolic Palace, or the Catacombs of Rome.
Lombardi confirmed the 112-minute, religion-themed pornographic film would include masturbation, blow jobs, girl-on-girl action, strap-on crucifixes, cum shots, triple-anal penetration, semen swapping, papalingus, bondage, and a gang-bang scene titled “the Immaculate Erection,” which features several archbishops and the Virgin Mary.
Filmmakers confirmed that porn veteran Ron Jeremy will star in First Cummunion as Pope Bent-Dick LXIX. The 59-year-old actor reportedly shadowed the pope for several days in order to prepare himself for the role of “His Horniness.”
“I really tried to base a lot of Pope Bent-Dick on Joe [Ratzinger], even though the guy I’m playing is way more of a gash hound,” said Jeremy, adding that the pontiff inspired him to get into character by strictly adhering Catholic “cocktrine.” “The pope was warm, inviting, and so charitable. He has a big heart. And his decision to let us use his actual living quarters really makes the fucking feel authentic.”
“He’s just a great sport,” Jeremy continued. “If you watch the movie closely, you’ll notice that the Zinger makes a cameo as the Holy Water delivery guy.”
Although he declined to divulge the entire plot of First Cummunion, Jeremy did describe one scene in which Pope Bent-Dick meets with a group of visiting Catholic schoolgirls and delivers “cliturgical rites” to the devout nymphomaniacs.
“So the whole scene takes place in St. Peter’s, and I’m bending Alexis Texas over the altar and boning her while also munching on Teagan Presley’s tight pussy,” Jeremy said. “And at the same time, I’ve got one fist apiece inside Sunny Leon and Jessie Andrews.”
“Finally, they all gather around me on their knees and I say, ‘Now I’ll administer some sacraments all over your faces,’” Jeremy added.
Explaining what a rare privilege it is to film at the Vatican, Jeremy remarked that while the Pope Fisters IV was shot there, most adult entertainment fans and pious Catholics alike were unaware that the first three movies in the Pope Fisters series were shot entirely in a former Spanish mission in the San Fernando Valley.
Porn actress Riley Steele, who told reporters she portrays a poor nun who sells anal rosary beads in St. Peter’s Square, said she was impressed by the kindness and acceptance displayed by high-ranking members of the clergy.
“They were just the sweetest, most hospitable people you could ever meet,” Steele said. “I remember one part where I was supposed to drink an entire cup of cum in the backseat of the Popemobile, and all these real-life cardinals were on set just standing around. They seemed very comfortable watching five guys jacking off at once into a communion chalice.”
She added, “Though a few other Vatican guys seemed pretty upset when we provided them with the standard paperwork verifying the entire cast would be 18 or older.”
