Puma Researcher Has Nagging Feeling He Left Usain Bolt Running At Office

WESTFORD, MA—Chastising himself for not double-checking everything before he left for the day, Puma researcher Benjamin Harris was reportedly overcome Friday by a nagging feeling that he had left Usain Bolt running at the office. “Goddammit, I don’t want to have to go all the way back there, but it’s really bad for his system to leave him running all night,” said a visibly conflicted Harris, noting that he remembered putting the eight-time Olympic gold medalist on the treadmill, but no matter how hard he tried, could not recall if he had stopped the Jamaican world record–holding sprinter while he was packing up to go home. “Shit, there’s no one left at work who I can call to take a look for me either. You know, everything’s probably fine, and I’m just being paranoid about the whole thing.” At press time, Harris had returned in the morning to discover that the athlete had burned out overnight and would need to be thrown away after the researcher was unable to get him to run again.