After several members of the far-right, neofascist militant group were convicted for their role in the Jan. 6 insurrection, The Onion asked Proud Boys what they thought about the harsh sentences for the Capitol riots, and this is what they said.
Aaron Bateman
“Those insurrectionists sicken me and don’t represent my values or the values of dozens of members like me who only joined the Proud Boys because we hate women.”
Shaun Perkins
“Yet if a group of Black men attacked the Capitol, you know they’d get off with a slap on the wrist.”
Greg Joyner
“The prison I’m going to is still segregated, so it’s basically heaven.”
Enrique Tarrio
“I hope the state knows that for every Proud Boy they send to prison, three more idiots will spring up in his place.”
Dan Grieves
“This is basically just a state-sponsored study abroad program for me to immerse myself in white suprematist gang culture.”
Nicholas Morgan
“Unsettling to see the United States judicial system dole out such fair and justifiable sentences.”
Christopher Dobler
“The Capitol insurrection was a false flag operation. Pop off those so-called Proud Boys’ heads and you’ll see they’re Pelosi-constructed DNC androids.”
Corey Prichard
“This really puts a damper on my plan to storm the Japanese Capitol building on vacation.”
Garrett Tuck
“I don’t feel anything because I am a man.”
Vito Morelli
“My favorite hobbies are loitering and assault, so I think I’m gonna dig the vibe.”
Dominic Pezzola
“Kind of offended they only gave me 10 years for all the work I did.”
Josiah Powell
“It’s sick that our government is going after these guys when millions of women still freely walk the streets.”
Tyler Sprouse
“Going to prison for nearly two decades was the plan all along, don’t you see?”
Walter Milberger
“I’m so upset. Right now I need to just storm the Capitol and clear my head.”
Daniel Bower
“All I can say is that the first election after we get out will be anarchy.”
Louis Meade
“Yeah, going to prison sucks. I’d rather go to Disneyland and see Cogsworth. I know he’s not as popular as someone like Mickey Mouse or Buzz Lightyear, but I personally just relate to Cogsworth more. Yep, I’m a Cogsworth man, through and through.”
Greg Radnor
“At least I’ll still be able to occasionally riot and destroy federal property in prison.”
Emmitt Hardy
“It’ll be hard maintaining my relationship with Nancy Pelosi, but I’m sure we can make it work.”
Joseph Biggs
“Oh, Trump is gonna pardon us any minute now.”
Cory Winch
“I mean, better to be sentenced for this than for all the sexual assaults I’ve committed.”
