Precocious Goldman Sachs Hire Destroys 1,000 People’s Livelihoods On First Day

NEW YORK—Noting that “the kid” had some “serious chops” to have already done so much damage, executives confirmed Wednesday that a precocious new Goldman Sachs hire had destroyed 1,000 people’s livelihoods on his first day. “You know, I wasn’t sure about him when we first hired him, but based on the sheer amount of personal savings he immediately wiped out, I can tell he’s a real go-getter,” said Goldman Sachs manager Anthony Flavia, adding that the new hire had already proved he would have a long and successful career as a banker at the firm based on the number of risky, ill-advised investments he had made on behalf of its customers. “I’m not just saying this to be nice, but a few weeks out of college and he’s already losing other people’s money at a senior level. It took me months to lose that first $100 million. I don’t know how, but this whiz kid did it in a day!” Flavia told reporters he’d become even more impressed with the prodigy when, just a few days later, the new hire was publicly charged with embezzlement and arrested for fraud.