Pope Francis Holds Mass With Giant Ape Bishop Of Skull Island

BARREN UPLANDS, SKULL ISLAND—After posing for photos on the shoulder of the 150-foot-tall, hirsute pastor, Pope Francis reportedly held a mass for several thousand worshippers this week alongside Lokka, the giant ape bishop of Skull Island. “Although this is only a brief visit, His Holiness has a very busy schedule planned, which will include church services, a stegosaurus foot washing, and a private meeting with Bishop Lokka to discuss making the liturgy more accessible to non-English-speaking psychovultures,” said Holy See Press Office director Matteo Bruni, speaking outside the island’s mammoth-bone cathedral, built in the late 18th-century by shipwrecked Spanish missionaries before all but one was devoured by skullcrawlers. “The Pope has been humbled by the incredible turnout—to see so many devout apes, cave bears, mire squid, and velociraptors lining the Dark Swamp as his motorcade passed by certainly put a big smile on his face.” Burke added that the papal visit—the first to the heavily Catholic island since 1950—would conclude with a light lunch followed by a group baptism of death jackals.