While it’s common knowledge that citizens have very little influence on elected officials, The Onion asked U.S. politicians how their constituents feel about a ceasefire in Gaza, and this is what they said.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)
“A cease what? I’ve never heard that word in my life.”
Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA)
“My constituents routinely vote in favor of having blood on our hands.”
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
“Does AIPAC count as a constituent?”
Vice President Kamala Harris
“Am I a politician? Gee, that’s flattering.”
Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY)
“One more word about a ceasefire, and I’m ordering Israel to bomb south Brooklyn.”
Sen. Mitt Romney (R-UT)
“Oh, while I’m at work the nanny is the one who looks after the constituents.”
Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ)
“My constituents know I have been calling for a cease-ceasefire since day one.”
Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME)
“Representatives are public servants. That means it’s my job to listen to what my constituents have to say, internalize it, and then do whatever I want.”
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
“I have genuinely not thought about another human being since 1998.”
Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC)
“When I got elected in 2014, my campaign pitch was ‘You wanna see a dead body?’”
Gov. Gavin Newsom Of California
“Constituents…constituents… Oh, you mean the blurred shapes I sometimes see before meetups with donors?”
Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR)
“Hmm… What is this ‘feel’?”
Sen. Tammy Duckworth (D-IL)
“My Illinois colleague Dick Durbin, who called for a ceasefire, obviously has different constituents than I do.”
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
“I don’t know. I can’t hear frequencies coming out of the mouths of people who make below $400k.”
Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX)
“They elected me to kill people, so that’s what I’m gonna do.”
Rep. Ken Calvert (R-CA)
“I have but one constituent, and their name is Lockheed Martin.”
Gov. Kathy Hochul Of New York
“I know what they want. I just think they are stupid and don’t respect them. Make sense?”
Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL)
“A ceasefire is a sacred bond between one man and one woman. Anything else is a sin.”
Former President Barack Obama
“No constituents anymore, motherfuckers! You people can’t goddamn touch me! I can say whatever the hell I want. Fuck all of you!”
Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA)
“My term doesn’t expire until 2068.”
Sen. John Hickenlooper (D-CO)
“Constituents? Oh, do you mean money? The money says to burn it to the ground.”
Sen. J.D. Vance (R-OH)
“I assume all my constituents were also given a full ride by the Federalist Society.”
Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ)
“We often think about others so much that we forget to think about our own feelings. The question is, do I want a ceasefire?”
Gov. Greg Abbott Of Texas
“Most of my constituents are guns, and they love firing. It’s the equivalent of orgasm to them.”
