With the Palestinian death toll rapidly rising and conditions in Gaza deteriorating into a humanitarian crisis amid the Israeli invasion, The Onion asked politicians why they will not endorse a ceasefire, and this is what they said.
Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA)
“I haven’t gotten to experience a world war since my boyhood.”
Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA)
“I lament even those momentary pauses in violence when IDF soldiers have to stop shooting to reload.”
Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY)
“A ceasefire would send the message to Palestinians that we give a shit whether they live or die.”
Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR)
“I have a perfect record when it comes to ethnic cleansing, and I’m not about to tarnish that now.”
Vice President Kamala Harris
“Well-behaved missiles seldom make history.”
Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)
“Last I checked, there were still some Palestinian civilians left.”
Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME)
“An open-air prison actually sounds nice. What do I look like, some kind of abolitionist?”
Sen. Tammy Baldwin (D-WI)
“That would stop the genocidal momentum the IDF has built.”
Rep. Mike Rogers (R-AL)
“Because I’m making money off this. What don’t you understand?”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)
“Shhh, keep your voice down. Saying that word in Texas is illegal.”
Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)
“The people of Gaza are free to start making campaign donations whenever they please.”
Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA)
“Poked myself in the eye with a kebab skewer. Now all must pay.”
Rep. Dean Phillips (D-MN)
“Based on the last election, I figure my presidential campaign can only be helped by the absence of a strong stance on anything.”
Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH)
“Ugh, just come back to bed. Can’t we go one night without getting into a screaming match?”
Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA)
“When you become a U.S. senator, they tell you that you’ll be legally castrated if you ever try to stop any wars.”
Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL)
“I mean, if it were up to me, they’d be air-striking the shit out of the continental U.S. as well.”
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
“That’s actually a good idea. If we can trick the Palestinians into thinking we’re not going to fire anymore, they’ll be easier to shoot!”
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)
“The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau would never allow the U.S. to finance the Israeli military if it wasn’t perfectly safe.”
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
“I don’t want to lose my widespread appeal among moderates.”
Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ)
“I support firing both missiles and a message of love at Palestine.”
