Over the past year, child poverty jumped from 5.2% to a staggering 12.4%, which many attribute to Congress’s failure to renew the enhanced child tax credit. The Onion asked politicians why they support child poverty, and this is what they said.
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)
“No practical reason. It simply pleases me.”
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
“I need something to frown at from inside my limo.”
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)
“You see innocent children, I see an exorbitant waste of funds.”
Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL)
“It’s the only social factor I can think of that would force kids to sell their bodies.”
Gov. Brad Little (R-ID)
“I resent the characterization of my total indifference as support.”
Sen. Mike Crapo (R-ID)
“How else would they learn the value of a Robux?”
Gov. Sarah Huckabee
“Would someone who doesn’t care about child poverty run a state where a majority of the workforce is third-graders?”
Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR)
“Hungry children make more obedient soldiers.”
Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC)
“How are parents supposed to get their kids to behave without the specter of poverty and deprivation to scare them straight?”
Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA)
“Kids need to learn how to write manually, and doing it on a cardboard sign is the best way to learn.”
Sen. John Hoeven (R-ND)
“Kids are just going to use a tax credit to buy drugs.”
Sen. Joe Manchin (R-WV)
“You need some scrawny, scrappier kids to fit in some of those tighter mineshafts.”
Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL)
“Children are little adults, and all adults deserve to suffer.”
Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL)
“My collegiate football record is 105-53, that’s why.”
Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH)
“I like the boys scrappy, hungry, and unable to afford legal representation.”
Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)
“I want my children to grow up in a country where they always have poor kids to look down on.”
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)
“If that’s objectionable, I’m happy to consider other forms of childhood suffering.”
Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC)
“I grew up poor, allegedly, and I turned out fine.”
