Currently, the U.S. Supreme Court sits nine justices, three of whom were appointed by former President Donald Trump. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose President Biden expanding the court and appointing more justices of his own, and this is what they said.
Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-GA)
“I think nine people who aren’t accountable to anyone is more than enough.”
Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV)
“Attacking the Supreme Court could upset the balance of power between the executive, judicial, and Joe Manchin branches of government.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)
“If we start expanding it, we’ll have to expand it for everybody, until all 335 million Americans are seated on the court.”
Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH)
“Well, if you want, we can just shrink the court to only Clarence Thomas.”
Mayor Regina Romero (D-AZ)
“I mean, I’ll double-check, but I’m pretty sure this is not within my power as the mayor of Tucson.”
Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA)
“We should shrink and expand the court at the same time. How, you ask? The answer: one big justice. Tens, possibly hundreds of feet tall, and as wide as a house. But still only one person. And for checks and balances, the president gets to ride the justice once a month.”
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY)
“I don’t want to have to learn a bunch of new names.”
Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)
“If the court gets too big, we could risk it collapsing in on itself and forming a singularity that would obliterate all matter in sight.”
Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ)
“I think it would get a little loud with 13 justices banging their gavels all day.”
Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA)
“Congress just spent a lot of money on a nine-person tandem bicycle.”
President Joe Biden
“What did I come into this room for again?”
Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA)
“Nine is the most I’ll accept because I just don’t trust these newfangled double-digit numbers.”
Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ)
“Unfortunately, the Constitution itself limits us by stipulating that Democrats must get rolled on every policy battle.”
Sen. Bill Hagerty (R-TN)
“I still want to feel like I have an active hand in destroying democracy.”
Sen. Mitt Romney (R-UT)
“It’s already too big, if you ask me. After all, the Power Rangers only had five people. I guess technically six, if you count Tommy, the Green Ranger, who would become the White Ranger at the end of season two, but that’s still less than nine, you know?”
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
“Where will it end? Dogs on the Supreme Court?”
Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ)
“Nobody has offered me enough money to make it worth my while.”
