Pfizer Unveils New Prescription Medicine To Help Adults Quit Sitting

NEW YORK—Touting the new medication’s ability to assist in cessation of the unhealthy activity, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a new prescription medicine Thursday to help adults cut down on and eventually quit the practice of sitting. “We at Pfizer are proud to announce the rollout of SitoDerm, a low-dose transgluteadermal formulation designed to help the thousands of Americans who want to avoid the debilitating effects of being seated but need some help dealing with habituation,” a press release from the corporation read in part, also noting that the medication is delivered through a flesh-colored extended-release patch placed on the buttocks, and is prescribed in variable doses depending on the severity of the patient’s sitting habit. “Sitting, whether a simple lean or a full-on slouch that occupies an entire reclining chair including the arms, is a dangerous activity leading to muscular atrophy, spinal deformation, and even heart disease, contributing to the deaths of dozens of Americans every day. Clinical trials prove our patches reduce semi-supine cravings, readjusting brain chemistry to resist the sitting urge. Over 70% of our subjects ceased sitting in six months thanks to SitoDerm.” Pfizer also notes that the side effects of SitoDerm include excitability, rectal pain, musculoskeletal stiffness extending from the lower back to the knees, and occasional suicidal ideation.