Pete Buttigieg Vows To Bring Together Small-Town And Big-City Streets Into One Beautiful American Intersection

WASHINGTON—In response to questions about his plans for the agency at his Senate confirmation hearing, Secretary of Transportation nominee Pete Buttigieg vowed Thursday to bring together small-town and big-city streets into one beautiful American intersection. “The Biden administration in which I would serve wants to unify this country, and I can think of nothing that would bring all Americans together than converging every single dirt backroad, boulevard, and highway into one big melting pot of an intersection,” said Buttigieg, distributing a mockup he’d made of all the nation’s expressways, agriculture roads, causeways, arterials, and alleys converging in a single massive traffic circle in the middle of Kansas. “In this time of unprecedented challenges to our nation’s founding principles, we must strive for a unified transportation system where every rural gravel road connects to every eight-lane highway, where no one-way city street in Seattle prevents you from accessing a ridge road in Tennessee. For too long, Americans have been divided by medians, stayed in their bubbles of turnpikes or bus lanes or private driveways, and it is time for that to end. Whether you’re on a cul-de-sac, a frontage road, a lane, a restricted byway, or Interstate 90, you should be able to drive to the middle of the country, enter the 100-mile roundabout I have planned, and merge onto any other avenue, trunk road, or corniche that this country has to offer. Once we all travel across the country and meet up in the intersection’s rest stop to get gas and pick out something from one of the vending machines, I think we’ll realize that we’re not so different after all.” At press time, the senators were voting unanimously to confirm Buttigieg after he outlined his plans to expand the big, beautiful American intersection to include every railroad track, airstrip, and shipping lane in the country.