BOSTON—According to sources at the Boston Sports Club on Newbury Street, a personal trainer at the exercise facility is currently forcing a local man to put on an embarrassing acrobatic spectacle for the entire gym.
The unidentified man, who witnesses said appears to be in his early 30s, is reportedly being paraded around every section of the fitness establishment like a trained circus animal, with his ringmaster making him jog up and down stairs, perform lunges across the entire floor with his hands firmly on his hips, and run in place while touching his knees to the trainer’s outstretched hands.
Onlookers confirmed the personal trainer doesn’t seem to care that this sad little pantomime is making the sweat-drenched man look absolutely ridiculous.
“Jesus, just look at the poor guy,” said gym member Ron Porcelli, 28, who watched as the man’s legs were held up while he lay on his back and repeatedly reached toward his toes like a seal coming up for raw herring at SeaWorld. “He just had to sit on the floor and hold a medicine ball at arm’s length, spinning from side to side over and over again in front of a room full of total strangers.”
“It’s really hard to watch,” Porcelli continued as the man was told to remain on the floor and cycle his legs in midair as though he were performing some sort of pitiful ballet routine. “But what is he supposed to do? Tell the personal trainer, ‘No, I won’t participate in your demoralizing fitness production?’ That would just embarrass him more.”
Sources confirmed the whole pathetic song and dance began when the man was forced to bend over and attempt to touch his toes in full view of approximately 20 men and women running on treadmills. The miserable pageant continued as the man was made to wave both arms in giant circles for a full 30 seconds before having to stand on one leg while holding his other foot behind him—a position that required him to hop around like a buffoon just to maintain his balance.
Many onlookers said they were unable to continue watching the cavalcade of degrading exercises after seeing only a few seconds of the man ascend and descend a makeshift stepladder like some sort of show pony.
However, others acknowledged that as each act of the performance becomes more and more demeaning, they can’t help but stare at the hapless man.
“I wish I could turn away, but it’s actually kind of mesmerizing,” said 37-year-old marketing executive Jennifer Halder, admitting that she looks up from her stationary bike every time the man frantically shuffles sideways past the spinning room as his trainer shouts, “Push that butt out!” “I know it’s horrible, but I’m sickly entertained by all of this. I honestly can’t wait to see what bizarre little drill he’s going to have to do next.”
Witnesses unanimously agreed that while the entire heartbreaking one-man show has been completely and utterly mortifying, the most devastating moment came when the trainer forced the man to get down on his hands and knees like a dog and slowly extend each leg straight behind him and back again 20 times in a row.
“Every time I look over there he’s doing something more humiliating than before,” said graphic designer Luke Brady, 25, cringing as the man moved into a new little number that involved throwing a medicine ball high above his head and then catching it as if it were some sort of magic trick. “I mean, are you seeing this? I feel embarrassed just watching it.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, he’s skipping up and down the length of the gym,” added Brady, shaking his head and walking back to his elliptical machine. “Poor bastard.”
At press time, the thoroughly belittling production paused for a brief intermission during which the man took a water break and his trainer set up some cones.
